Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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