Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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