I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
