i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
