she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
