Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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