Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
