why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
