I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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