yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
