I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
