I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Holy shit dude........stairs
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
