OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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