That's when you crack a 10am beer
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
