he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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