im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Even the bartender felt bad for me
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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