You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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