You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
