New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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