So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize