Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
