Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
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