a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize