Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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