I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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