i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Why is your signature on my underwear?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
