We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize