That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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