Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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