between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
My ass is underappreciated
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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