Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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