I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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