My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I think im going to throw up on grandma
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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