i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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