I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
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