Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
she told me i tasted like america
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
