based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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