just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
