guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
My cat gives me a boner
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
