im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
