do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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