We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
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