So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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