Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Randomize
