I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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