the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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