I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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