If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
