I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
