somebody snuck up and got me drunk
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
