Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He passed out mid-signature
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
