you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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