I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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