Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
