How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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