i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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