I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize