Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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