the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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