Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
