she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
