Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
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