Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
