I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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