There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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