I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you didnt know i had herpes?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Randomize