put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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