i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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