My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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