cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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