WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
